I didn't date in high school, mostly because I was a hugely fat nerd girl and my parents only bought me clothes that would assure them no boy would ever talk to me (for example: mid-calf length wool plaid skirt, green wool sweater, green wool knee socks, penny loafers, and white oxford shirt underneath *WITH A CLIP ON TIE AND A BERET* when I was a JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL. I am currently in therapy). I dated (quite a bit) in college, but I was in school in a different state than my parents lived in. And my father died six weeks after I graduated from college. I say this only to explain that my father never got the chance to greet a boy at the door with a shotgun, the way that he always said he wanted to. It wasn't until after he died that my Dead Father got a chance to scare the hell out of potential suitors.
What follows is a true story.
I was 21 and had gone out with this guy a few times, but I wasn't really feeling it. I wasn't interested in continuing to see this guy, but didn't know how to tell him as much. You see, at this point in my dating career, I had only been broken up *with*, and didn't have experience in doing the actual breaking up myself. And although I've now been a lawyer for twelve years, back then, I really, REALLY hated the idea of confrontation. (Even now I'm only a fan when I'm getting paid to confront). I dreaded having to have the "It's not you, it's me" conversation that clearly always really means "It's not me, it's you."
So I end up on another date with said guy, which was as almost painfully boring as the previous two. Finally the evening came to an end and he drove me home. And as Date Guy walks me to the door of the apartment my Dead Mother and I shared at the time, I see my Dead Mother's Thunderbird parked by the sidewalk.
And I remember that Dead Father is in the trunk.
*Why* my DM had my DF's ashes in the trunk of the car isn't really important. What is important is that I remembered DF was in the trunk as guy and I walked by DM's car. So I knocked on the trunk as we passed and said, "Hi Dad, I'm home."
Date Guy kinda stumbled, and after an awkward (for him, anyway) pause, asked, "Um....huh?"
"Oh, my Dad's in the trunk. He worries when I'm out so I wanted to let him know I got home okay."
When we get to my apartment I invite him in and introduce him to DM. "I said hi to Dad as we came in," I tell her.
All my DM needed was the opening line, and she was off. "Oh, that's good. He worries so." Responding to the blank-slowly-turning-to-terrified stare on Date Guy's face, DM proceeded to riff. "Yes, your father *loves* that Thunderbird. He was feeling kind of cabin feverish, so we went for a ride....."
She proceeded to construct an elaborate tale of her adventures with the box of her dead husband, until finally I decided the purpose had been served and ended Date Guy's misery, walking him to the door and saying goodnight.
He never called me again.
About two years later, I found myself in an elevator with Date Guy. Although we were the only two in the elevator, and even though we *clearly* recognized one another, he pointedly avoided eye contact and I suspect got off a floor earlier than he actually needed to.
I've had LOTS of experience breaking up with guys since then, as two of my four ex-fiances (I actually married two of them) and several ex-boyfriends will attest. I am married now, and since DB has been living with my husband, son and me throughout, any capacity he might have had to scare my husband off has long since faded. Nevertheless, should I find myself again in the dating pool, given the efficacy of Dead Father in scaring off Date Guy, I'm certain that DB would be useful in this capacity.
In fact, for a small rental charge (and security deposit), I'd happily rent him out to others in need. To make reservations, just email me at mydeadbrother@gmail.com.
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