Use 12: Bartender

True story: I'd never had a margarita in all my 40 years until this day. Truer story: DB NEVER had any kind of drink AT ALL. EVER.

We used him as a designated driver on occasion, which admittedly was handy. I remember my Dead Mother and I went drinking with my Live Brother before his *first* wedding. LB is over six feet tall, over 220, and I'm about five and half feet and 130 on a good day, nevertheless, I'm matching him shot for shot (thank you, SIU). Eventually LB's fiance came to get him, and DM and I kept the party goin.

After a little while, my DM looked toward the end of the table, where DB was sitting quietly, looking at his plastered mom and little sister with disgust he didn't even bother to veil. DM looked at him, looked at me, looked at him again, turned back to me and slurred, "Where did I go wrong with him?"

When DB was diagnosed with cancer and was told it was terminal, I asked him, "Well, you want a beer *NOW*?"

He said, "Nah, I don't want to screw up my karma."

"Yeah, 'cause *that's* worked out for you so well so far."

So, having never been a drinker, and lacking thumbs, honestly, he was kind of a crappy bartender.










So we figured the least we could do was make him *look* festive. Gave him his own flair. (And now, looking back at this picture, I know how my sunglasses got broken at that party...oh well, it's not really a party unless there's a casualty of some kind).

So to recap: Bartender is a *use,* just not an effective one. Really, he's better suited for "coaster."

Use 11: Hat

You know how they used to have girls walk while balancing a book on their heads, in order to teach them poise and grace? Well, we tried it with DB, and didn't work out so well. But where there is a will, there is a way, and the ingenuity of a bunch of Georgia Tech grads with duct tape solved our problem.




Our hat model, Mike, patiently waits while his personall dressers, Twitch and Wes, attach the DB to his bald noggin with the duct tape -- truly, the all purpose tool.

And viola! Instant DB headgear. The silver really sets off the engines on Mike's Turtle Serenity t-shirt. And it made his eyes sparkle. Srsly.

Use 10: Introduce Him to His Roommates?

Because you may not know just who all is in there....

"Two families filed suit Tuesday accusing BioCare and two affiliated companies of mishandling bodies donated for scientific research and returning cremated ashes of unknown origin to the families....

"That discovery came after body parts traced to BioCare turned up in late March at a Kansas facility licensed to incinerate medical waste....

"In the lawsuit Fasold said her father, Harold Dillard, made an agreement with BioCare to use his organs for scientific purposes. Fasold eventually received what she believed were her father’s ashes, but on April 1, she was notified that Dillard’s arm had been found at the waste facility in Kansas City, KS. The lawsuit accuses BioCare of mixing Dillard's remains with those of other people."

This reminds me of a story from my law school days:

We were studying a case in our torts class about a woman who'd miscarried, and weeks later returned to the doctor for a checkup. She asked the nurse what had happened to the baby, and apparently without a word, the nurse walked her to a storage closet and showed her the baby, in a jar, preserved with formaldehyde.

One of my classmates piped up, "Oh, did you want that?"

Alternatively, one could say her dad gave his right arm to be part of medical research.

Or, instead of introducing Dead Brother to his roommates, perhaps I should introduce myself?

"Fajardo said he was notified by the company that his wife’s organs had been harvested for scientific research and her hip had been sent to a research facility in Germany. Fajardo then received what he believed were her ashes until he found out her intact body was one of the 20 bodies police seized from BioCare’s offices last week."

That's right....her WHOLE BODY was still at the lab. Makes you wonder who he's been talking to late at night.

If Dead Brother isn't my Dead Brother after all, imagine *how incredibly pissed off* whomever is in that box must be at me right now.... And how much more pissed he/she/they will be in the months to come.

The entire story can be found at the link below:

http://www.krqe.com/dpp/news/business/angry-relatives-sue-over-donated-bodies

Use 9: Babysitter

I have two older brothers, one Dead and one Living. I always thought that Living Brother would make the greatest all-purpose uncle to get the kids out of my hair during family get-togethers:

"Go talk to your uncle! He was a *soldier*!"
"Go talk to your uncle! He was a *cowboy*!"
"Go talk to your uncle! He once shot a guy!"

All true (although I'd probably leave that last one out unless I'd been imbibing a lot of "holiday cheer"). However, Living Brother hasn't really had a chance to play uncle yet, and our family get-togethers are not quite-so-festive (as pictured by an earlier Use).

But my son does have Uncle Dead Brother to watch him when I'm busy. Granted, he's not much fun, he doesn't talk much, doesn't play pattycake (no hands -- well, not in "hand" form any more), and honestly, if the Boy were to start choking or something, Uncle Dead Brother would only be helpful to drop on his stomach to knock whatever out of his windpipe.

Nevertheless, it is a Use. And he is an *awesome* listener.....

Use 8: BRING HIM BACK TO LIFE (for 600 to 1000 "Sovereins")

Just for kicks, and to see if this thing was picking up any buzz, I googled the blog title and this is what I came across (I deleted email and IP addresses for privacy, not that these guys deserve any):

SUBJECT>Re: 101 Uses for a Dead Brother
POSTER>Axe2000
DATE>957638933
EMAILNOTICES>no
PREVIOUS>2088
NEXT> 2105
IMAGE>
LINKNAME>
LINKURL>

> there is the resurrection spell...but I have not yet found
> it. I believe there is also a"Staff of Life" that
> is mentioned in KIA's chapter 2 walkthrough that will do it
> once...only once!
> (Or restore a previous save game!) :)
>In mons at a camp site there is a guy who will sell you scrolls or training.Resurection cost 600 soveriens i think.no more than 1,000 guaranteed.

The spell is not lso useful on Dead Pirates, and results against Ghosts are not recorded:

SUBJECT>Re: 101 Uses for a Dead Brother
POSTER>Mike McCormick
DATE>957681770
PREVIOUS>2098
NEXT>
IMAGE>
LINKNAME>
LINKURL>

>> In mons at a camp site there is a guy who will sell you
>> scrolls or training.Resurection cost 600 soveriens i
>> think.no more than 1,000 guaranteed.
>On the far West Coast, maybe a little south of center, I found a cave full of Pirates and Undead. When I killed the Leader, he had the Resurrection scroll on him. Haven't had a chance to try it out, but I do know it doesn't work on expired pirates. Maybe I'll try it on that ghost at the Castle, the one I wasn't supposed to kill.

Let me know how it works on the Ghosts. I'd hate like hell to traipse all the way to Mons, go through all the campsites, find the guy, hope I had 600 sovereins in correct change, just to find out it didn't work. I gots things to do, you know, and other places for my hard-earned sovereins -- baby needs a new pair of foot coverings from ye olde cobbler.

Use 7: Firm Support Pillow

Live Sister began her quest with a vision to create the perfect pillow in the year 2000. Despite exhaustive searching, she could not find a suitable pillow on the market to help those having headaches, neck pain, and generally not sleeping well. She saw a need, and developed a pillow that has evolved into a new concept of pillow design.

Live Sister's unique design, crafted in her home workshop using duct tape, discarded teddy bear stuffing, and cremains, included precisely engineered contours, shoulder cut-outs and angulated side panels. Live sister purposefully developed a pillow that would provide the proper support, comfort, and adaptability to all sleeping positions; unlike any other pillow, the DB2010 also has the inherent ability to naturally educate the entire human body to position itself correctly on the bed though the soft whispers of the dead, communicated to one during sleep, thereby reducing unnecessary spinal stress, optimizing alignment, and improving one’s night sleep.

Admittedly, it may be a bit too firm for most people.

(Lovingly parodied content from http://www.pillo1.com/about-pillo1/, which I understand is actually a darn fine product.)

Use 6 (NOT ENDORSED BY LIVE SISTER): Make Jewelry Out of the Dead!

I do not claim to be an arbiter of good taste -- "Hudson Hawk" is one of my all-time favorite movies, and you can bite me, thank you very much -- but even I have to balk at this idea. Nevertheless, in fairness, it is a "use," although not one I'd ever seriously consider:

"Cremation jewelry is, simply put, jewelry that contains some of the cremated ashes of a deceased family member or loved ones. Cremation jewelry has many names and comes in a variety of forms, but no matter the words used, cremation jewelry is among the newest and most popular ways to memorialize loved ones."

from http://www.cremationjewelry.net/.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "But, practically speaking, what kind of jewelry can I make out of Aunt Esther? I mean, there's only so much you can do with what are, for all intents and purposes, charcoal grill ashes." Well, Bernadette, that's where you'd be wrong! When it comes to making a personal, loving statement about your respect for your lost loved one, as well as creating a very awkward conversation-killer, you got lots of options!

You can wear Grandpa Gene around your neck in a little vial! (A warning to those with coke-head friends: Keep Grandpa Gene AWAY FROM THEM AT PARTIES!!!! Have you seen the end of "Cruel Intentions"? Those people are easily confused and your lovin Grandad could wind up in some skank's nasal cavity). (Image also from http://www.cremationjewelry.net/).

A gold-plated death-flask not enough for you? Well, as Oscar Goldman was wont to say, we can rebuild him, we have the technology. Turn Uncle Earl into a diamond!

And for the Wal-Mart shopper in all of us, the gems come in blue, yellow, red, green or the always tasteful "colorless" (usually, and in this case appropriately, followed by "tasteless").

(Image from https://www.irrproducts.com/c-5-colorless.aspx).

Just picture the romance:

"Darlene, ever since we met in welding class our second sophomore year in vocational high school, I knew that, except for your friend Trisha, who I would wreck in a heartbeat if her uncle were ever arrested, you were the one woman on earth that I could love, honor and watch Nascar with. I want to spend the rest of my government-supported-due-to-my-chronic-fatigue-syndrome-disability days with you in my singlewide overlooking the Krystal. Will you marry me?"

"Oh Bobby Joe! Once my divorce is final, yes! Of course yes! Oh my god that ring is goregous! I'll be Pam Anderson had one like this once!"

"And that ain't all....that little shiny you got on there....That there's my MOM."

Tears, hugs, Miller Light all around. Ah, memories.

This last is, quite simply, horrifying on many levels. As the mother of a one-year-old, imagining just whose ashes we're wearing here makes me ill. As the daughter of a totally psycho Dead Mother, I'm just appalled by the idea of my mom being with me FOREVER.

Although admittedly, I do have the Paul Simon song stuck in my head now....darn it.

(Image from https://www.irrproducts.com/c-15-mother-child.aspx).

Just a reminder: none of these companies nor the very *idea* is endorsed by Live Sister or anyone associated with this blog. And I'm sure they will thank me...right after I get the letter telling me to "cease and desist."

UPDATE: A Facebook friend pointed out yet another fascinating yet nasty use for your Dead Loved One: Make Art out of Uncle Art!

http://www.memorials.com/art-in-ashes.php

You can have your Dead Loved One's ashes mushed into a pre-made painting, or "create your own" starting at the bargain price of $757.95!

Seriously, if this is your bag, you can go to any make-and-bake clay place, dump Mom in the mix when no one is looking, and make a stunning ash tray (because, really, what else would you make) for $25. And she'd approve of the savings.

Use 5: Making Your Vehicle HOV Lane Compliant

Throughout Atlanta you will find HOV lanes, requiring that 2 or more persons occupy any vehicle using that lane. Well, they don't really define "person," do they? I had considered trying it when I was pregnant: since Georgia really desperately wants to classify the unborn as "persons," I figured it might make a good test case. Alas, my commute did not require me to take the interstate highway much, so it just didn't come up.

Now, however, I find that it would be very helpful if I could use the HOV lane during my commute. So I strapped the DB in the car, so I wouldn't be violating the law.

Honestly, he just didn't look comfy there. And he didn't seem particularly well-secured. So I tried something else.

Now he was safely strapped in. Had he thumbs, he even could have played with the baby's toys.

Use 4: Sporting Event Cheering Companion

This actually comes from absolutely true, swear-on-my-Joss-Whedon-collection stories. The first was actually a Use for a Dead Father.

As I said in my first blog on this site, my dad died in 1992, but this did not stop my family members from taking him on "field trips." One such field trip was to Father/Son night at the local minor league hockey game in Nashville.

My Dead Brother (who wasn't quite dead yet) went to my mother's house, got the Dead Father from the closet and took him to the game.

"Is this the night that, if you bring your dad, you get in for half price?" my DB asks. The sixteen year old girl working the box office replied in the affirmative.

THUD. He dropped the box unceremoniously on the counter. "That's my dad."

According to the DB, the poor girl looked stricken, confused, and utterly stammered out, "I'm gonna have to ask the manager."

As it turned out, the manager *loved* the idea. The DF got his own chair, the beer guy kept wanting to serve him because he looked "thirsty," and they even announced over the PA that it was "Bob's first hockey game." They neglected to mention the DF had been dead about 6 years at this point.

The other story was when my undergrad alma mater, Southern Illinois University, was in the NCAA championships in 2002. I live in Atlanta and had already taken great delight in emailing my entire office with a picture of a Saluki, so that they could all know what animal had beat their beloved UGA Bulldogs. SIU played UConn next in the Sweet 16.

The DB was also an SIU alum, and *loved* SIU basketball. So naturally, I had to take the DB (who was stone dead by now) to watch the game with me at a local watering hole. I had him sitting on the table with an SIU shaker. He was unexpressive when SIU lost, but I know deep down inside, he was hurting.

Use 3: Wedding Date (Preferably for another Dead Guest)

In March 2008 (as noted by the date stamp on the picture iteslf), my Live Brother got married in a small informal ceremony in Nashville, Tennessee. I live in Atlanta so I drove up for the event. I thought it might be nice to take the Dead Brother to the wedding, so my husband fixed up a tie for him, I safely secured him with the seat belt in the passenger seat, and we drove the 4 hours to the wedding.

My Live Brother knew about and approved of the idea that Marty should attend the wedding, and decided that he would bring our Dead Mother along as well. He dressed her up in a lovely yellow doll dress, and the owner of the bed and breakfast where the wedding was held even gave Dead Mother some flowers for the top of the box. So while my Dead Brother was initially my date, he ended up being the escort for another Dead Guest, which really, is far more appropriate.

Much more tasteful and classy this way, don't you think?

Use 2: Teething Ring (Type Device) AKA "Let's get the weird out of the way"

Yes, that's my baby, chewing on the box of my brother.

It's a use. Perhaps not a *good* use, but a use nonetheless.

Use 1: Doorstop

Okay, not terribly creative, I know: effective, nevertheless.

My Dead Brother weighed close to 400 pounds when he was diagnosed with cancer, and may be the only person I've ever known to gain weight on chemotherapy. Granted, he weighs much less now, but seriously, that box is *heavy.* Had I a scale (which I don't, because I'm nearly 40 and a size 4 and don't need to know precisely how much I weigh), I'd find out exactly how much he weighs. I'm guessing about 15 pounds, because he's heavier than my freeweights and lighter than my baby.