Use 23: Fox News Anchor

I mean, seriously, would anyone even notice?

Use 22: Coaster

Me: So I've come up with a new use for Dead Brother.

Husband: What?

Me: Coaster.

Husband: Why coaster?

Me: I found a coffee cup stain on him.

Husband: How did that happen?

Me: (Blank stare, pause). Because someone *put a coffee cup on him.*

Use 21: Dead Lord of the Sith

Judge him by his size, well you should not.

(Anyway, despite appearances, he weighs a surprising amount. So what he lacks in volume he compensates for in mass.)

No, Live Sister is still alive....

I know I haven't been around for nearly 2 months, but it's not like Dead Brother is gonna decompose any more than he already has.

But I am currently unemployed (which both rocks and sucks at the same time) and I have been stockpiling adventures for me and the DB.

Your patience will be rewarded. TRUST ME.

The Dead Can Tweet!

Sort of.

I can't get online most of the time, what with the job and all, but I've now set up at Twitter account so that I can keep my faithful Zombies informed on all the Dead Brother's shananigans and goings-on.

Follow me at @mydeadbrother.

Laters.

Use 20: Turkey Dressing

Also on July 4, we found ourselves in Pulaski, Tennessee, home of the Ku Klux Klan and, as best we could tell, little else. The city had tried, nevertheless, to festive things up a bit, and around town there were these:

Oversized decorated turkeys.

My guess is this one was to represent the topographical glory that is Pulaski, Giles County, Tennessee.

But we had to find a more festive one for Dead Brother to adorn.

So here is a magnolia-blossom adorned turkey, with Dead Brother atop. Or as the spouse put it, "Turkey Dressing."

Another view, just for fun.

Use 19: Car Model

Over the 4th of July weekend, the spouse, the child and I took a road trip through Tennessee, Mississippi, and Alabama in search of barbecue and tackiness. We were more successful on the tacky than the barbecue.

In Winchester, Tennessee, we discovered the Hero Gear store: http://www.hero-gear.com/. A taste from their website:

"Hero-Gear is located in beautiful Southern-Middle Tennessee.
"We are a full line dealer for the very finest tactical and defensive firearms available today. We specialize in high end/high quality 1911s, AR15/M4 platform rifles, Sniper rifles, AK and SKS rifles, Duty approved firearms from Smith and Wesson, Glock, Springfield Armory, Sig Sauer, Heckler and Koch, and many more!"

I'll just let y'all check out the rest of their website so you can get the full joy of their establishment.

Outside, they had the official Hero Gear Mobile, and the Dead Brother simply had to check it out:


Here we find Dead Brother in the archetypical laid-out-across-the-hood model pose. Admittedly, I was a little disappointed by his choice of so hackneyed a look, but hey, it was his photo shoot, so who am I to complain?









We were about to be on our way when we noticed the rules posted on the front door, which were just too tasty not to share:


"All loaded firearms must remain holstered at all times.

"All other firearms should be locked open & clear.
"No unaccompanied children."

Which of course makes one wonder: was there a problem with patrons bringing in loaded weapons and just swinging them around randomly?

Now don't get me wrong, I'm a huge supporter of the Second Amendment. And I can see a certain logic into taking your old gun to the store with you when you want to buy a new one -- I mean, I've taken skirts with me to get shirts that match. But a *loaded* gun? When you're *not* planning on robbing the place? What's that for?

Use 18: Stolen Goods

Yeah, yeah I know, it's been over a month. But my life hasn't slowed down any, and I haven't had time -- or artistic inspiration -- to update lately. Then I saw this story today.

The ashes of six year old boy who died from cancer 8 months ago were stolen from his parents' car:

http://www.kens5.com/news/Exclusive-Thieves-steal-the-unthinkable-Childs-ashes-stolen-from-familys-car--97446719.html

"Eleven months ago, the family decided to cremate Tony 'Tigger' Rodriguez's body after the six-year-old died of cancer. They never thought they'd lose him again. But car burglars broke into the family's truck outside a La Quinta Inn on I-35 near Schertz. They stole a suitcase that carried Tony's ashes."

Imagine the robbers' surprise when they open that suitcase. Or when they die and wake up in HELL.

Hopefully, they won't make the same mistake theives made in the United Kingdom and snort the ashes, thinkng it is actually cocaine: http://www.snopes.com/horrors/cannibal/cocaine.asp

One might ask why the parents packed their son in a suitcase to take him on vacation with them. I usually put the DB in the passenger seat. Another question might be why did they leave their son in his suitcase in the car when they checked into the hotel. But really, none of these things matter in the long run, and with all sincerity, I do hope they find the ashes and return them to his folks.

ON A MUCH LESS DEPRESSING NOTE, we plan on taking the DB on a road trip for the weekend. And I got a Flip. So hopefully we'll be posting some fun video in the near future.

Use 16: Birthday Boy!

Today is the Dead Brother's 51st birthday.

Together now:

"Happy birthday to you,

"Happy birthday to you,

"Happy birthday Dead Brother....

"Happy Birthday to you!"

We gave him the cake and sang him the song and blew out the candle on his behalf.

We also gave him his wish on our followers' behalf.

Thank you all.

Use 15: Child Distractor

(To my four followers: yes, I know it's been a while, but I've been working 10 hour days, most weekends too, and I do have an infant to take care of. So deal with it. Taking DB on a road trip tomorrow, so expect more frequent posting in the near future.)

Again, a true story: it's about something that happened with Dead Father, but if the positions had been shifted, Dead Brother would have served just as well.

Shortly after my father died, my mother's brother, his wife, their daughter and son-in-law and two grandchildren came to visit us. At the time, my little cousin Jennifer was only 6. I was 21, just graduated from college, and had just moved home.

Jennifer latched onto me like she'd never seen another chick before, but it quickly became crystal clear the true attraction: MY STUFF. You see, I'd acquired a lot of stuffed animals and teddy bear type substances from guys in college, which I had displayed all over my room. Jennifer could not get enough of them.

"Which one is your favorite?" she'd ask.

"Well, I suppose that one," I'd say, pointing to a bear in a tuxedo that an old boyfriend gave me.

"Well, you know, if you gave me *that* one," she said, pointing to a bear on my dresser, "you could put that one up there and look at it all the time."

I told her I could see it just fine where it was, but this did nothing to dissuade her from attempting to cajole me from my belongings.

Finally, I'd had enough, and could only think of one thing to get her off the topic of acquiring my few assets.

"You know....my dad is in a box in the hall closet."

Her eyes got *huge.* "REALLY?!"

"Oh yeah," I said. I led her through the living room, where everyone else was chatting amiably, opened the closet door, pointed, made the international sign for "Shhhh," and closed the door.

The following week, as I got home from work, my mother told me she'd got a call from Jennifer's mother. "Apparently, she got a call from Jennifer's teacher."

"Oh really?"

"Yes," my mother replied. "It seems Jennifer was telling everyone that Aunt Jean had Uncle Bob in a box in her closet."

Conclusion: While it may have caused my cousin some parental difficulty, and Jennifer some adjustment problems, my Dead Father did in fact distract my six year old cousin.

Use 14: Date Intimidator

I didn't date in high school, mostly because I was a hugely fat nerd girl and my parents only bought me clothes that would assure them no boy would ever talk to me (for example: mid-calf length wool plaid skirt, green wool sweater, green wool knee socks, penny loafers, and white oxford shirt underneath *WITH A CLIP ON TIE AND A BERET* when I was a JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL. I am currently in therapy). I dated (quite a bit) in college, but I was in school in a different state than my parents lived in. And my father died six weeks after I graduated from college. I say this only to explain that my father never got the chance to greet a boy at the door with a shotgun, the way that he always said he wanted to. It wasn't until after he died that my Dead Father got a chance to scare the hell out of potential suitors.

What follows is a true story.

I was 21 and had gone out with this guy a few times, but I wasn't really feeling it. I wasn't interested in continuing to see this guy, but didn't know how to tell him as much. You see, at this point in my dating career, I had only been broken up *with*, and didn't have experience in doing the actual breaking up myself. And although I've now been a lawyer for twelve years, back then, I really, REALLY hated the idea of confrontation. (Even now I'm only a fan when I'm getting paid to confront). I dreaded having to have the "It's not you, it's me" conversation that clearly always really means "It's not me, it's you."

So I end up on another date with said guy, which was as almost painfully boring as the previous two. Finally the evening came to an end and he drove me home. And as Date Guy walks me to the door of the apartment my Dead Mother and I shared at the time, I see my Dead Mother's Thunderbird parked by the sidewalk.

And I remember that Dead Father is in the trunk.

*Why* my DM had my DF's ashes in the trunk of the car isn't really important. What is important is that I remembered DF was in the trunk as guy and I walked by DM's car. So I knocked on the trunk as we passed and said, "Hi Dad, I'm home."

Date Guy kinda stumbled, and after an awkward (for him, anyway) pause, asked, "Um....huh?"

"Oh, my Dad's in the trunk. He worries when I'm out so I wanted to let him know I got home okay."

When we get to my apartment I invite him in and introduce him to DM. "I said hi to Dad as we came in," I tell her.

All my DM needed was the opening line, and she was off. "Oh, that's good. He worries so." Responding to the blank-slowly-turning-to-terrified stare on Date Guy's face, DM proceeded to riff. "Yes, your father *loves* that Thunderbird. He was feeling kind of cabin feverish, so we went for a ride....."

She proceeded to construct an elaborate tale of her adventures with the box of her dead husband, until finally I decided the purpose had been served and ended Date Guy's misery, walking him to the door and saying goodnight.

He never called me again.

About two years later, I found myself in an elevator with Date Guy. Although we were the only two in the elevator, and even though we *clearly* recognized one another, he pointedly avoided eye contact and I suspect got off a floor earlier than he actually needed to.

I've had LOTS of experience breaking up with guys since then, as two of my four ex-fiances (I actually married two of them) and several ex-boyfriends will attest. I am married now, and since DB has been living with my husband, son and me throughout, any capacity he might have had to scare my husband off has long since faded. Nevertheless, should I find myself again in the dating pool, given the efficacy of Dead Father in scaring off Date Guy, I'm certain that DB would be useful in this capacity.

In fact, for a small rental charge (and security deposit), I'd happily rent him out to others in need. To make reservations, just email me at mydeadbrother@gmail.com.

Use 13: Movie Star

Really, as with most things, Monty Python explains this best (most applicable portions in bold for your convenient reference):




Interviewer: (Michael Palin) An excerpt from Carl French's latest film. Carl, we're all a little mystified by your claim that your new film stars Marilyn Monroe.

Carl French: (Graham Chapman) It does, yes.

Interviewer: Who died over ten years ago?

Carl French: Uh, that's correct.

Interviewer: Are you lying?

Carl French: No, no, it's just that she'e very much in the public eye at the moment.

Interviewer: Does she have a big part?

Carl French: She is the star of the film.

Interviewer: And dead.

Carl French: Well, we dug her up and gave her a screen test, a mere formality in her case, and...

Interviewer: Can she still act?

Carl French: Well... well, she-she's still has this-this enormous, ah-ah, kinda indefinable, uh... no.

Interviewer: Was decomposition a problem?

Carl French: We did have to put her in the fridge between takes.

Interviewer: Ah, what sorts of things does she do in the film?

Carl French: Well, we had her lying on beds, lying on floors, falling out of cupboards, scaring the children...

Interviewer: But surely Miss Monroe was cremated?

Carl French: Well, we had to use a stand-in for some of the more visible shots.

Interviewer: Ah! Uh, another actress.

Carl French: Dead actress. But Monroe was in shot the whole time.

Interviewer: How?

Carl French: Oh, in the ash tray, in the fire grate and vacuum cleaner...

Interviewer: So Marilyn does not appear in the film?

Carl French: Not as such.

Interviewer: Mr. French, you're one of the film world's most arrogant queens. I mean not just
homosexual or gay or anything, I mean you are a raving queen.

Carl French: Well, yes.

Interviewer: I mean, a real screamer, a real "Whoops! Get out! Don't mind me dear!" limp-wristed caricature.

Carl French: Is that not in order?

Interviewer: No, no, that's fine. And I understand that you married the beautiful black heiress Hueyna Tanoy partly for the publicity but mostly to cover up the fact that you prefer going out
with little boys.

Carl French: Look, really!

Interviewer: Carl, you're an effeminate little poof, a mincing gay-bar loiterer, a winnet-covered walking perfume shop and an evil perverter of innocent little boys!

Carl French: What!? Really! Is this part of the interview?

Interviewer: No, no, I just wanted a few contacts.

Carl French: Well-well, shouldn't we be talking about the film?

Interviewer: We've been off the air for ages. Now, where'd you find them?

Carl French: Look, I think we are still on the air.

Interviewer: Oh, sod the fucking air! I just still get locked up with that sort of thing.

Carl French: What about the film?

Interviewer: Just a few addresses, please...

Carl French: Look, we got James Dean in it, in a box!

Interviewer: I-I can turn the microphone off if you...

Carl French: And bits of Jayne Mansfield...

Use 12: Bartender

True story: I'd never had a margarita in all my 40 years until this day. Truer story: DB NEVER had any kind of drink AT ALL. EVER.

We used him as a designated driver on occasion, which admittedly was handy. I remember my Dead Mother and I went drinking with my Live Brother before his *first* wedding. LB is over six feet tall, over 220, and I'm about five and half feet and 130 on a good day, nevertheless, I'm matching him shot for shot (thank you, SIU). Eventually LB's fiance came to get him, and DM and I kept the party goin.

After a little while, my DM looked toward the end of the table, where DB was sitting quietly, looking at his plastered mom and little sister with disgust he didn't even bother to veil. DM looked at him, looked at me, looked at him again, turned back to me and slurred, "Where did I go wrong with him?"

When DB was diagnosed with cancer and was told it was terminal, I asked him, "Well, you want a beer *NOW*?"

He said, "Nah, I don't want to screw up my karma."

"Yeah, 'cause *that's* worked out for you so well so far."

So, having never been a drinker, and lacking thumbs, honestly, he was kind of a crappy bartender.










So we figured the least we could do was make him *look* festive. Gave him his own flair. (And now, looking back at this picture, I know how my sunglasses got broken at that party...oh well, it's not really a party unless there's a casualty of some kind).

So to recap: Bartender is a *use,* just not an effective one. Really, he's better suited for "coaster."

Use 11: Hat

You know how they used to have girls walk while balancing a book on their heads, in order to teach them poise and grace? Well, we tried it with DB, and didn't work out so well. But where there is a will, there is a way, and the ingenuity of a bunch of Georgia Tech grads with duct tape solved our problem.




Our hat model, Mike, patiently waits while his personall dressers, Twitch and Wes, attach the DB to his bald noggin with the duct tape -- truly, the all purpose tool.

And viola! Instant DB headgear. The silver really sets off the engines on Mike's Turtle Serenity t-shirt. And it made his eyes sparkle. Srsly.

Use 10: Introduce Him to His Roommates?

Because you may not know just who all is in there....

"Two families filed suit Tuesday accusing BioCare and two affiliated companies of mishandling bodies donated for scientific research and returning cremated ashes of unknown origin to the families....

"That discovery came after body parts traced to BioCare turned up in late March at a Kansas facility licensed to incinerate medical waste....

"In the lawsuit Fasold said her father, Harold Dillard, made an agreement with BioCare to use his organs for scientific purposes. Fasold eventually received what she believed were her father’s ashes, but on April 1, she was notified that Dillard’s arm had been found at the waste facility in Kansas City, KS. The lawsuit accuses BioCare of mixing Dillard's remains with those of other people."

This reminds me of a story from my law school days:

We were studying a case in our torts class about a woman who'd miscarried, and weeks later returned to the doctor for a checkup. She asked the nurse what had happened to the baby, and apparently without a word, the nurse walked her to a storage closet and showed her the baby, in a jar, preserved with formaldehyde.

One of my classmates piped up, "Oh, did you want that?"

Alternatively, one could say her dad gave his right arm to be part of medical research.

Or, instead of introducing Dead Brother to his roommates, perhaps I should introduce myself?

"Fajardo said he was notified by the company that his wife’s organs had been harvested for scientific research and her hip had been sent to a research facility in Germany. Fajardo then received what he believed were her ashes until he found out her intact body was one of the 20 bodies police seized from BioCare’s offices last week."

That's right....her WHOLE BODY was still at the lab. Makes you wonder who he's been talking to late at night.

If Dead Brother isn't my Dead Brother after all, imagine *how incredibly pissed off* whomever is in that box must be at me right now.... And how much more pissed he/she/they will be in the months to come.

The entire story can be found at the link below:

http://www.krqe.com/dpp/news/business/angry-relatives-sue-over-donated-bodies

Use 9: Babysitter

I have two older brothers, one Dead and one Living. I always thought that Living Brother would make the greatest all-purpose uncle to get the kids out of my hair during family get-togethers:

"Go talk to your uncle! He was a *soldier*!"
"Go talk to your uncle! He was a *cowboy*!"
"Go talk to your uncle! He once shot a guy!"

All true (although I'd probably leave that last one out unless I'd been imbibing a lot of "holiday cheer"). However, Living Brother hasn't really had a chance to play uncle yet, and our family get-togethers are not quite-so-festive (as pictured by an earlier Use).

But my son does have Uncle Dead Brother to watch him when I'm busy. Granted, he's not much fun, he doesn't talk much, doesn't play pattycake (no hands -- well, not in "hand" form any more), and honestly, if the Boy were to start choking or something, Uncle Dead Brother would only be helpful to drop on his stomach to knock whatever out of his windpipe.

Nevertheless, it is a Use. And he is an *awesome* listener.....

Use 8: BRING HIM BACK TO LIFE (for 600 to 1000 "Sovereins")

Just for kicks, and to see if this thing was picking up any buzz, I googled the blog title and this is what I came across (I deleted email and IP addresses for privacy, not that these guys deserve any):

SUBJECT>Re: 101 Uses for a Dead Brother
POSTER>Axe2000
DATE>957638933
EMAILNOTICES>no
PREVIOUS>2088
NEXT> 2105
IMAGE>
LINKNAME>
LINKURL>

> there is the resurrection spell...but I have not yet found
> it. I believe there is also a"Staff of Life" that
> is mentioned in KIA's chapter 2 walkthrough that will do it
> once...only once!
> (Or restore a previous save game!) :)
>In mons at a camp site there is a guy who will sell you scrolls or training.Resurection cost 600 soveriens i think.no more than 1,000 guaranteed.

The spell is not lso useful on Dead Pirates, and results against Ghosts are not recorded:

SUBJECT>Re: 101 Uses for a Dead Brother
POSTER>Mike McCormick
DATE>957681770
PREVIOUS>2098
NEXT>
IMAGE>
LINKNAME>
LINKURL>

>> In mons at a camp site there is a guy who will sell you
>> scrolls or training.Resurection cost 600 soveriens i
>> think.no more than 1,000 guaranteed.
>On the far West Coast, maybe a little south of center, I found a cave full of Pirates and Undead. When I killed the Leader, he had the Resurrection scroll on him. Haven't had a chance to try it out, but I do know it doesn't work on expired pirates. Maybe I'll try it on that ghost at the Castle, the one I wasn't supposed to kill.

Let me know how it works on the Ghosts. I'd hate like hell to traipse all the way to Mons, go through all the campsites, find the guy, hope I had 600 sovereins in correct change, just to find out it didn't work. I gots things to do, you know, and other places for my hard-earned sovereins -- baby needs a new pair of foot coverings from ye olde cobbler.

Use 7: Firm Support Pillow

Live Sister began her quest with a vision to create the perfect pillow in the year 2000. Despite exhaustive searching, she could not find a suitable pillow on the market to help those having headaches, neck pain, and generally not sleeping well. She saw a need, and developed a pillow that has evolved into a new concept of pillow design.

Live Sister's unique design, crafted in her home workshop using duct tape, discarded teddy bear stuffing, and cremains, included precisely engineered contours, shoulder cut-outs and angulated side panels. Live sister purposefully developed a pillow that would provide the proper support, comfort, and adaptability to all sleeping positions; unlike any other pillow, the DB2010 also has the inherent ability to naturally educate the entire human body to position itself correctly on the bed though the soft whispers of the dead, communicated to one during sleep, thereby reducing unnecessary spinal stress, optimizing alignment, and improving one’s night sleep.

Admittedly, it may be a bit too firm for most people.

(Lovingly parodied content from http://www.pillo1.com/about-pillo1/, which I understand is actually a darn fine product.)

Use 6 (NOT ENDORSED BY LIVE SISTER): Make Jewelry Out of the Dead!

I do not claim to be an arbiter of good taste -- "Hudson Hawk" is one of my all-time favorite movies, and you can bite me, thank you very much -- but even I have to balk at this idea. Nevertheless, in fairness, it is a "use," although not one I'd ever seriously consider:

"Cremation jewelry is, simply put, jewelry that contains some of the cremated ashes of a deceased family member or loved ones. Cremation jewelry has many names and comes in a variety of forms, but no matter the words used, cremation jewelry is among the newest and most popular ways to memorialize loved ones."

from http://www.cremationjewelry.net/.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "But, practically speaking, what kind of jewelry can I make out of Aunt Esther? I mean, there's only so much you can do with what are, for all intents and purposes, charcoal grill ashes." Well, Bernadette, that's where you'd be wrong! When it comes to making a personal, loving statement about your respect for your lost loved one, as well as creating a very awkward conversation-killer, you got lots of options!

You can wear Grandpa Gene around your neck in a little vial! (A warning to those with coke-head friends: Keep Grandpa Gene AWAY FROM THEM AT PARTIES!!!! Have you seen the end of "Cruel Intentions"? Those people are easily confused and your lovin Grandad could wind up in some skank's nasal cavity). (Image also from http://www.cremationjewelry.net/).

A gold-plated death-flask not enough for you? Well, as Oscar Goldman was wont to say, we can rebuild him, we have the technology. Turn Uncle Earl into a diamond!

And for the Wal-Mart shopper in all of us, the gems come in blue, yellow, red, green or the always tasteful "colorless" (usually, and in this case appropriately, followed by "tasteless").

(Image from https://www.irrproducts.com/c-5-colorless.aspx).

Just picture the romance:

"Darlene, ever since we met in welding class our second sophomore year in vocational high school, I knew that, except for your friend Trisha, who I would wreck in a heartbeat if her uncle were ever arrested, you were the one woman on earth that I could love, honor and watch Nascar with. I want to spend the rest of my government-supported-due-to-my-chronic-fatigue-syndrome-disability days with you in my singlewide overlooking the Krystal. Will you marry me?"

"Oh Bobby Joe! Once my divorce is final, yes! Of course yes! Oh my god that ring is goregous! I'll be Pam Anderson had one like this once!"

"And that ain't all....that little shiny you got on there....That there's my MOM."

Tears, hugs, Miller Light all around. Ah, memories.

This last is, quite simply, horrifying on many levels. As the mother of a one-year-old, imagining just whose ashes we're wearing here makes me ill. As the daughter of a totally psycho Dead Mother, I'm just appalled by the idea of my mom being with me FOREVER.

Although admittedly, I do have the Paul Simon song stuck in my head now....darn it.

(Image from https://www.irrproducts.com/c-15-mother-child.aspx).

Just a reminder: none of these companies nor the very *idea* is endorsed by Live Sister or anyone associated with this blog. And I'm sure they will thank me...right after I get the letter telling me to "cease and desist."

UPDATE: A Facebook friend pointed out yet another fascinating yet nasty use for your Dead Loved One: Make Art out of Uncle Art!

http://www.memorials.com/art-in-ashes.php

You can have your Dead Loved One's ashes mushed into a pre-made painting, or "create your own" starting at the bargain price of $757.95!

Seriously, if this is your bag, you can go to any make-and-bake clay place, dump Mom in the mix when no one is looking, and make a stunning ash tray (because, really, what else would you make) for $25. And she'd approve of the savings.

Use 5: Making Your Vehicle HOV Lane Compliant

Throughout Atlanta you will find HOV lanes, requiring that 2 or more persons occupy any vehicle using that lane. Well, they don't really define "person," do they? I had considered trying it when I was pregnant: since Georgia really desperately wants to classify the unborn as "persons," I figured it might make a good test case. Alas, my commute did not require me to take the interstate highway much, so it just didn't come up.

Now, however, I find that it would be very helpful if I could use the HOV lane during my commute. So I strapped the DB in the car, so I wouldn't be violating the law.

Honestly, he just didn't look comfy there. And he didn't seem particularly well-secured. So I tried something else.

Now he was safely strapped in. Had he thumbs, he even could have played with the baby's toys.

Use 4: Sporting Event Cheering Companion

This actually comes from absolutely true, swear-on-my-Joss-Whedon-collection stories. The first was actually a Use for a Dead Father.

As I said in my first blog on this site, my dad died in 1992, but this did not stop my family members from taking him on "field trips." One such field trip was to Father/Son night at the local minor league hockey game in Nashville.

My Dead Brother (who wasn't quite dead yet) went to my mother's house, got the Dead Father from the closet and took him to the game.

"Is this the night that, if you bring your dad, you get in for half price?" my DB asks. The sixteen year old girl working the box office replied in the affirmative.

THUD. He dropped the box unceremoniously on the counter. "That's my dad."

According to the DB, the poor girl looked stricken, confused, and utterly stammered out, "I'm gonna have to ask the manager."

As it turned out, the manager *loved* the idea. The DF got his own chair, the beer guy kept wanting to serve him because he looked "thirsty," and they even announced over the PA that it was "Bob's first hockey game." They neglected to mention the DF had been dead about 6 years at this point.

The other story was when my undergrad alma mater, Southern Illinois University, was in the NCAA championships in 2002. I live in Atlanta and had already taken great delight in emailing my entire office with a picture of a Saluki, so that they could all know what animal had beat their beloved UGA Bulldogs. SIU played UConn next in the Sweet 16.

The DB was also an SIU alum, and *loved* SIU basketball. So naturally, I had to take the DB (who was stone dead by now) to watch the game with me at a local watering hole. I had him sitting on the table with an SIU shaker. He was unexpressive when SIU lost, but I know deep down inside, he was hurting.

Use 3: Wedding Date (Preferably for another Dead Guest)

In March 2008 (as noted by the date stamp on the picture iteslf), my Live Brother got married in a small informal ceremony in Nashville, Tennessee. I live in Atlanta so I drove up for the event. I thought it might be nice to take the Dead Brother to the wedding, so my husband fixed up a tie for him, I safely secured him with the seat belt in the passenger seat, and we drove the 4 hours to the wedding.

My Live Brother knew about and approved of the idea that Marty should attend the wedding, and decided that he would bring our Dead Mother along as well. He dressed her up in a lovely yellow doll dress, and the owner of the bed and breakfast where the wedding was held even gave Dead Mother some flowers for the top of the box. So while my Dead Brother was initially my date, he ended up being the escort for another Dead Guest, which really, is far more appropriate.

Much more tasteful and classy this way, don't you think?

Use 2: Teething Ring (Type Device) AKA "Let's get the weird out of the way"

Yes, that's my baby, chewing on the box of my brother.

It's a use. Perhaps not a *good* use, but a use nonetheless.

Use 1: Doorstop

Okay, not terribly creative, I know: effective, nevertheless.

My Dead Brother weighed close to 400 pounds when he was diagnosed with cancer, and may be the only person I've ever known to gain weight on chemotherapy. Granted, he weighs much less now, but seriously, that box is *heavy.* Had I a scale (which I don't, because I'm nearly 40 and a size 4 and don't need to know precisely how much I weigh), I'd find out exactly how much he weighs. I'm guessing about 15 pounds, because he's heavier than my freeweights and lighter than my baby.

101 Uses for a Dead Brother...

My father died in 1992. He hadn't told any of us his wishes, nor had he left a will. Basically, his ashes stayed in my mom's closet (or hall closet, or the trunk of her car) for about 8 years. This is not to say that he did not have "field trips" upon occasion...

My brother Marty was diagnosed with colon cancer in 1999, and was told it was terminal in April of that year. Given the fun we'd had with the Dead Dad, he and I had some discussions about what I would do with him after he ran down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.

This blog will lead up to his final wish, which finally this year I hope to be able to fulfill.

Now, some of you might be saying, "Okay, this is twisted." And it is. I'm paying a therapist a great deal of money to work through my issues. And I'm not saying it's going to only be 101 uses. I'll have to see what I come up with. Also, suggestions are more than welcome.

So welcome to the dark and twisted world of fun with dead relatives.