Use 20: Turkey Dressing

Also on July 4, we found ourselves in Pulaski, Tennessee, home of the Ku Klux Klan and, as best we could tell, little else. The city had tried, nevertheless, to festive things up a bit, and around town there were these:

Oversized decorated turkeys.

My guess is this one was to represent the topographical glory that is Pulaski, Giles County, Tennessee.

But we had to find a more festive one for Dead Brother to adorn.

So here is a magnolia-blossom adorned turkey, with Dead Brother atop. Or as the spouse put it, "Turkey Dressing."

Another view, just for fun.

Use 19: Car Model

Over the 4th of July weekend, the spouse, the child and I took a road trip through Tennessee, Mississippi, and Alabama in search of barbecue and tackiness. We were more successful on the tacky than the barbecue.

In Winchester, Tennessee, we discovered the Hero Gear store: http://www.hero-gear.com/. A taste from their website:

"Hero-Gear is located in beautiful Southern-Middle Tennessee.
"We are a full line dealer for the very finest tactical and defensive firearms available today. We specialize in high end/high quality 1911s, AR15/M4 platform rifles, Sniper rifles, AK and SKS rifles, Duty approved firearms from Smith and Wesson, Glock, Springfield Armory, Sig Sauer, Heckler and Koch, and many more!"

I'll just let y'all check out the rest of their website so you can get the full joy of their establishment.

Outside, they had the official Hero Gear Mobile, and the Dead Brother simply had to check it out:


Here we find Dead Brother in the archetypical laid-out-across-the-hood model pose. Admittedly, I was a little disappointed by his choice of so hackneyed a look, but hey, it was his photo shoot, so who am I to complain?









We were about to be on our way when we noticed the rules posted on the front door, which were just too tasty not to share:


"All loaded firearms must remain holstered at all times.

"All other firearms should be locked open & clear.
"No unaccompanied children."

Which of course makes one wonder: was there a problem with patrons bringing in loaded weapons and just swinging them around randomly?

Now don't get me wrong, I'm a huge supporter of the Second Amendment. And I can see a certain logic into taking your old gun to the store with you when you want to buy a new one -- I mean, I've taken skirts with me to get shirts that match. But a *loaded* gun? When you're *not* planning on robbing the place? What's that for?

Use 18: Stolen Goods

Yeah, yeah I know, it's been over a month. But my life hasn't slowed down any, and I haven't had time -- or artistic inspiration -- to update lately. Then I saw this story today.

The ashes of six year old boy who died from cancer 8 months ago were stolen from his parents' car:

http://www.kens5.com/news/Exclusive-Thieves-steal-the-unthinkable-Childs-ashes-stolen-from-familys-car--97446719.html

"Eleven months ago, the family decided to cremate Tony 'Tigger' Rodriguez's body after the six-year-old died of cancer. They never thought they'd lose him again. But car burglars broke into the family's truck outside a La Quinta Inn on I-35 near Schertz. They stole a suitcase that carried Tony's ashes."

Imagine the robbers' surprise when they open that suitcase. Or when they die and wake up in HELL.

Hopefully, they won't make the same mistake theives made in the United Kingdom and snort the ashes, thinkng it is actually cocaine: http://www.snopes.com/horrors/cannibal/cocaine.asp

One might ask why the parents packed their son in a suitcase to take him on vacation with them. I usually put the DB in the passenger seat. Another question might be why did they leave their son in his suitcase in the car when they checked into the hotel. But really, none of these things matter in the long run, and with all sincerity, I do hope they find the ashes and return them to his folks.

ON A MUCH LESS DEPRESSING NOTE, we plan on taking the DB on a road trip for the weekend. And I got a Flip. So hopefully we'll be posting some fun video in the near future.

Use 16: Birthday Boy!

Today is the Dead Brother's 51st birthday.

Together now:

"Happy birthday to you,

"Happy birthday to you,

"Happy birthday Dead Brother....

"Happy Birthday to you!"

We gave him the cake and sang him the song and blew out the candle on his behalf.

We also gave him his wish on our followers' behalf.

Thank you all.

Use 15: Child Distractor

(To my four followers: yes, I know it's been a while, but I've been working 10 hour days, most weekends too, and I do have an infant to take care of. So deal with it. Taking DB on a road trip tomorrow, so expect more frequent posting in the near future.)

Again, a true story: it's about something that happened with Dead Father, but if the positions had been shifted, Dead Brother would have served just as well.

Shortly after my father died, my mother's brother, his wife, their daughter and son-in-law and two grandchildren came to visit us. At the time, my little cousin Jennifer was only 6. I was 21, just graduated from college, and had just moved home.

Jennifer latched onto me like she'd never seen another chick before, but it quickly became crystal clear the true attraction: MY STUFF. You see, I'd acquired a lot of stuffed animals and teddy bear type substances from guys in college, which I had displayed all over my room. Jennifer could not get enough of them.

"Which one is your favorite?" she'd ask.

"Well, I suppose that one," I'd say, pointing to a bear in a tuxedo that an old boyfriend gave me.

"Well, you know, if you gave me *that* one," she said, pointing to a bear on my dresser, "you could put that one up there and look at it all the time."

I told her I could see it just fine where it was, but this did nothing to dissuade her from attempting to cajole me from my belongings.

Finally, I'd had enough, and could only think of one thing to get her off the topic of acquiring my few assets.

"You know....my dad is in a box in the hall closet."

Her eyes got *huge.* "REALLY?!"

"Oh yeah," I said. I led her through the living room, where everyone else was chatting amiably, opened the closet door, pointed, made the international sign for "Shhhh," and closed the door.

The following week, as I got home from work, my mother told me she'd got a call from Jennifer's mother. "Apparently, she got a call from Jennifer's teacher."

"Oh really?"

"Yes," my mother replied. "It seems Jennifer was telling everyone that Aunt Jean had Uncle Bob in a box in her closet."

Conclusion: While it may have caused my cousin some parental difficulty, and Jennifer some adjustment problems, my Dead Father did in fact distract my six year old cousin.

Use 14: Date Intimidator

I didn't date in high school, mostly because I was a hugely fat nerd girl and my parents only bought me clothes that would assure them no boy would ever talk to me (for example: mid-calf length wool plaid skirt, green wool sweater, green wool knee socks, penny loafers, and white oxford shirt underneath *WITH A CLIP ON TIE AND A BERET* when I was a JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL. I am currently in therapy). I dated (quite a bit) in college, but I was in school in a different state than my parents lived in. And my father died six weeks after I graduated from college. I say this only to explain that my father never got the chance to greet a boy at the door with a shotgun, the way that he always said he wanted to. It wasn't until after he died that my Dead Father got a chance to scare the hell out of potential suitors.

What follows is a true story.

I was 21 and had gone out with this guy a few times, but I wasn't really feeling it. I wasn't interested in continuing to see this guy, but didn't know how to tell him as much. You see, at this point in my dating career, I had only been broken up *with*, and didn't have experience in doing the actual breaking up myself. And although I've now been a lawyer for twelve years, back then, I really, REALLY hated the idea of confrontation. (Even now I'm only a fan when I'm getting paid to confront). I dreaded having to have the "It's not you, it's me" conversation that clearly always really means "It's not me, it's you."

So I end up on another date with said guy, which was as almost painfully boring as the previous two. Finally the evening came to an end and he drove me home. And as Date Guy walks me to the door of the apartment my Dead Mother and I shared at the time, I see my Dead Mother's Thunderbird parked by the sidewalk.

And I remember that Dead Father is in the trunk.

*Why* my DM had my DF's ashes in the trunk of the car isn't really important. What is important is that I remembered DF was in the trunk as guy and I walked by DM's car. So I knocked on the trunk as we passed and said, "Hi Dad, I'm home."

Date Guy kinda stumbled, and after an awkward (for him, anyway) pause, asked, "Um....huh?"

"Oh, my Dad's in the trunk. He worries when I'm out so I wanted to let him know I got home okay."

When we get to my apartment I invite him in and introduce him to DM. "I said hi to Dad as we came in," I tell her.

All my DM needed was the opening line, and she was off. "Oh, that's good. He worries so." Responding to the blank-slowly-turning-to-terrified stare on Date Guy's face, DM proceeded to riff. "Yes, your father *loves* that Thunderbird. He was feeling kind of cabin feverish, so we went for a ride....."

She proceeded to construct an elaborate tale of her adventures with the box of her dead husband, until finally I decided the purpose had been served and ended Date Guy's misery, walking him to the door and saying goodnight.

He never called me again.

About two years later, I found myself in an elevator with Date Guy. Although we were the only two in the elevator, and even though we *clearly* recognized one another, he pointedly avoided eye contact and I suspect got off a floor earlier than he actually needed to.

I've had LOTS of experience breaking up with guys since then, as two of my four ex-fiances (I actually married two of them) and several ex-boyfriends will attest. I am married now, and since DB has been living with my husband, son and me throughout, any capacity he might have had to scare my husband off has long since faded. Nevertheless, should I find myself again in the dating pool, given the efficacy of Dead Father in scaring off Date Guy, I'm certain that DB would be useful in this capacity.

In fact, for a small rental charge (and security deposit), I'd happily rent him out to others in need. To make reservations, just email me at mydeadbrother@gmail.com.

Use 13: Movie Star

Really, as with most things, Monty Python explains this best (most applicable portions in bold for your convenient reference):




Interviewer: (Michael Palin) An excerpt from Carl French's latest film. Carl, we're all a little mystified by your claim that your new film stars Marilyn Monroe.

Carl French: (Graham Chapman) It does, yes.

Interviewer: Who died over ten years ago?

Carl French: Uh, that's correct.

Interviewer: Are you lying?

Carl French: No, no, it's just that she'e very much in the public eye at the moment.

Interviewer: Does she have a big part?

Carl French: She is the star of the film.

Interviewer: And dead.

Carl French: Well, we dug her up and gave her a screen test, a mere formality in her case, and...

Interviewer: Can she still act?

Carl French: Well... well, she-she's still has this-this enormous, ah-ah, kinda indefinable, uh... no.

Interviewer: Was decomposition a problem?

Carl French: We did have to put her in the fridge between takes.

Interviewer: Ah, what sorts of things does she do in the film?

Carl French: Well, we had her lying on beds, lying on floors, falling out of cupboards, scaring the children...

Interviewer: But surely Miss Monroe was cremated?

Carl French: Well, we had to use a stand-in for some of the more visible shots.

Interviewer: Ah! Uh, another actress.

Carl French: Dead actress. But Monroe was in shot the whole time.

Interviewer: How?

Carl French: Oh, in the ash tray, in the fire grate and vacuum cleaner...

Interviewer: So Marilyn does not appear in the film?

Carl French: Not as such.

Interviewer: Mr. French, you're one of the film world's most arrogant queens. I mean not just
homosexual or gay or anything, I mean you are a raving queen.

Carl French: Well, yes.

Interviewer: I mean, a real screamer, a real "Whoops! Get out! Don't mind me dear!" limp-wristed caricature.

Carl French: Is that not in order?

Interviewer: No, no, that's fine. And I understand that you married the beautiful black heiress Hueyna Tanoy partly for the publicity but mostly to cover up the fact that you prefer going out
with little boys.

Carl French: Look, really!

Interviewer: Carl, you're an effeminate little poof, a mincing gay-bar loiterer, a winnet-covered walking perfume shop and an evil perverter of innocent little boys!

Carl French: What!? Really! Is this part of the interview?

Interviewer: No, no, I just wanted a few contacts.

Carl French: Well-well, shouldn't we be talking about the film?

Interviewer: We've been off the air for ages. Now, where'd you find them?

Carl French: Look, I think we are still on the air.

Interviewer: Oh, sod the fucking air! I just still get locked up with that sort of thing.

Carl French: What about the film?

Interviewer: Just a few addresses, please...

Carl French: Look, we got James Dean in it, in a box!

Interviewer: I-I can turn the microphone off if you...

Carl French: And bits of Jayne Mansfield...